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August
Hello,
me again.
Not very
pleasant in here at the moment boys and girls, having to stage a
bit of a dirty protest at the quality of food I am receiving. Now
don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect something off the
‘a la carte’ and silver service under the circumstances
but Pedigree Chum mixed up with fag ends is a bit shit for
someone who has just increased their web audience by three
million per cent; besides I prefer Winalot. And with that little
rant out of the way back to the matter in hand.
The year was 1977
and we had recently finished and released ‘A Farewell to
Kings’. On the way back to Toronto prior to tour
rehearsals we had stopped over in New York to cash in on the fact
that rock music had become ‘de rigeur’ in certain parts
of the world and what two months earlier had been connoisseurs
music and strictly a no go area for the ABCs and CBSs of the
world was now being splashed all over commercial TV like it
belonged there. Disco was in decline and bands like us, Judas
Priest, Montrose, Van Halen et al were being courted by
the networks to do some serious prime time.
With some tidy little side effects like huge wads of money
changing hands to talk absolute bollocks for ten minutes on one
of the days five hundred and sixty three talk shows, and better
still - fame. Pure, wonderful, unadulterated,
can’t-walk-down-a-street-without-being-offered-sexual-favours-type
fame. Two months earlier the only chance we had of being blown
off was by riding a bike in a strong wind. Now we could virtually
demand a topless hand shandy from the supermodel of our choice by
phone whatever the time or weather.
Anyway we were in NY to get a massive wedge for doing the Phil
Donahue show, a sort of David Letterman
of his time but not as funny and with better teeth. Now there are
certain events in history when it is said that everyone remembers
exactly what they were doing at the time. For instance everyone
in England above a certain age remembers where they were when
England won the world cup.
The big one for Americans is the assassination of John F
Kennedy unless you live in New York. There they all
remember where they were when the power failed in what has come
to be known as the 1977 New York Blackout. Some were walking home
from work, some were in a nice restaurant, some were with loved
ones, some were out in the park, some were losing their
virginity, and we were stuck in a fucking lift with Barry
bastard White.
The Donahue show was filmed high in a Manhattan scraper and we
were far too important to do stairs. In an adjacent studio
simultaneously that evening they were doing that weeks wrap of
‘Soul Train’ with the bean flickers’ messiah
himself headlining. So by the worst coincidence I have ever had
the misfortune to be involved in, out of every lift (or elevator
as those annoying twats refer to them) in every building in a
city of three hundred squillion people, the walrus of lerve just
happened to wander into ours thirty seconds before the power
fucked up on a scale not previously known.
Here’s the transcript.
Alex
- "Geddy the lift’s stopped, I’m a bit
scared."
Geddy - "Bollocks, I’m busting for a twatting
piss."
Alex - "What do you think we should do?"
White - "Push the button honey. "
Alex - "Done that, what next."
White - "Keep on, keep on doing it. Right on baby, right on
doing it."
Alex -" It isn’t doing anything Geddy, and he’s
weirder than Neil."
White - "It’s such a shame honey, Barry’s got so
much love to give,
but all the ladies is on the outside and Barry’s stuck on
the inside on this elevator of love baby,
let’s take it to the top tonight, can you feel the love
baby."
Alex -" Look Geddy his thingy’s gone all massive, and
we’re all blokes."
White - "I’ll give you so much love baby, more than you
can bear."
Geddy - "Easy tiger, let’s just get a fucking grip
here."
Neil - "PACIFY MY TROUBLES WITH HER BODY SOFT AND WARM"
White - "Soft warm body baby, I love soft warm bodies, love
them real hard with my great big love tonight, aint gonna stop
until yo satisfied."
Geddy - "Neil, shut the fuck up."
Neil - "WHAT WOULD TOUCH ME DEEPER"
White -" I can touch you deeper baby, I’ll be real
tender, I’ll caress you real slow then love you till the
morning light. Oooh oooh yeeehhhhh yeehhhhh all my love, great
big love."
Geddy - "One more word Neil and I’m going to fucking
kill you."
Alex - "Do you think he’s going to jizz Geddy?"
Geddy - "Dunno, but the doors are opening, quick let’s
fuck off before one of us gets poked. Laters, fatty."
Needless to say, Neil fucked up the entire interview by answering every one of the bemused hosts questions with the entire chorus of ‘Beneath, Between and Behind’ and we never got asked to do any more talk shows ever again but hey, for a fleeting moment we were prime time pundits, rubbing shoulders with Hollywood greats, sports stars and the like and shagging anything half decent that came within a thirty yard radius of us.
And now back by popular demand, for this month anyway, a brand new batch of ‘Ask Marlow’ Caller number one, whadayawant.
Dear
Marlow
"I have recently discovered that listening to the 2112
Overture whilst inserting three fingers up my bottom and
applying a certain pressure to the prostate gland induces an
ejaculation the likes of which I have never known before. Try it,
you’ll be amazed."
H.B - Penzance
Marlow Says
I think you’ll find this works to any music with the
possible exception of the first three Neil Diamond
albums and The Birdie Song.
Dear Marlow
"I am a huge Rush fan but also a lazy
bastard. Could you save me the bother of moving my fat arse to
look myself by informing me if you know of any other three-piece
rock bands with a squeaky singer who do songs about the future
and outer space with loads of twiddly bits that I might be
interested in."
G.P - Berwick upon Tweed
Marlow Says
No
Dear Marlow
"Also I have found that listening to the 2112 Overture
whilst inhaling copious amounts of cocaine promotes an
overwhelming feeling of well-being and psychological superiority.
As the piece reaches its climax I feel convinced that if I so
wished I could quite easily pull Kate Moss,
although on the face of it this would be a futile exercise as by
this time I invariably find it impossible to find my penis and
would probably find it even more difficult to sustain an erection
even if I did find it. You will find that approximately 3 minutes
after ‘We have assumed control’ everything
goes flat and returns to normal but no matter, simply repeat the
exercise. I did it 27 times the other night although to be honest
I felt shit the following morning and was fully intent on killing
myself until Kenny came round at 12 o clock with some more
cocaine. Also if anyone is interested I am selling my house for
£250. "
H.B.- Penzance
Marlow Says
Fuck me static.
Dear Marlow
"Did you mean no there aren’t any other bands or no
you’re not going to tell me."
G.P - Berwick upon Tweed
Marlow Says
Just no.
Dear Marlow
"When the ebbing tide retreats along the rocky shoreline, it
leaves a trail of tidal pools in a short lived galaxy, each
microcosmic planet a complete society. A simple kind of mirror to
reflect upon our own, all the busy little creatures chasing out
their destiny, living in the pools they soon forget about the
sea."
N.P - Toronto
Marlow Says
On the face of it fair enough, although I am somewhat concerned
that you pronounce lack of ‘sea memory’ on behalf of
the ‘busy little creatures’ as fact when in fact it can
be no more than supposition. According to some leading
Oceanologists some quite sizeable sea creatures (you also appear
vague as to the creatures you refer to) have a memory retention
of no more than 6 seconds which would more than likely mean they
would forget about the sea even when they were in the fucker,
which makes your closing line at best pointless and at worst
wildly inaccurate, other than that, fair point.
Right,
sorted. Next month tune in for the issue I promised in May, which
for those of you who either don’t remember or just
don’t give a toss, was the one which featured a startling
revelation regarding a little known chapter in our annals known
as the "Rush - the movie project" and an
excerpt from my up and coming best seller. Well that’s me
for now, if you’re misfortunate enough to be going to see
the ponces this month don’t forget to hurl some vile abuse
at them on my behalf. In the meantime have fun, enjoy the lovely
weather and for fucks sake get somebody to come round and turn
this bastard radiator off.
Speak soon
Marlow
