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July
Marlow
here
Hello and welcome to the printer friendly (one month late)
‘Bumper anniversary commemorative issue’ of this rather
silly and pointless column. Simply print off, laminate, stick in
a drawer and watch the fucker spiral in value at a rate which
makes the Charles and Di Mugs look a bit sick.
Let’s start off in true tabloid style with what the Daily
Mirror might have done to commemorate such a momentous occasion,
or one of those other shit papers that neglect to mention the
onset of ‘World War Three’ until page 7 because David
Beckham got some new shoes this week or Scary Spice got caught on
camera getting a back ender off Dale Winton in a crowded snug at
her local Wetherspoons. Here we go then, to celebrate 30 glorious
years of Rush tours,
30
THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT RUSH
(Primarily because most of them aren’t true)
1.
Despite being a literary genius and quite easily the cleverest
man in the world, Neil Peart has a rare genetic disorder that
renders him crap at maths. He also suffers from a chronic wealth
phobia, the upshot is that Neil constantly thinks he is down to
his last thirty quid which he needs to save until tomorrow for
fags, vodka and a couple of pork pies for his dinner. Whenever
Rush dine out either Geddy or Alex has to pick up the tab and
claim it back off Neil’s accountant the following week.
2. After recording ‘Power Windows’ Geddy was absolutely
distraught that the number of overdubs used meant that they could
never perform ‘Grand Designs’ live. To rectify this he
had arranged to have a third arm grafted onto the middle of his
chest, but pulled out days before because the only surgeon
willing to perform the operation was Russian and Geddy had
misguidedly believed a satirical article that implied the entire
population of Russia was gay, saying he didn’t want to put
himself in that position under anaesthetic.
3. Alex does an absolutely hilarious impression of Michael
Crawford in ‘some mothers do av em’ and during the
‘Farewell to Kings’ tour, a gig in their hometown of
Toronto had to be delayed by over an hour whilst Neil recomposed
himself after Alex had gone “Oooh Betty” a few times in
the dressing room.
4. No member of Rush has ever killed anyone. Despite there being
over ten thousand serial killers on the loose at any one time in
North America and another four million unsolved isolated murders,
no member of Rush has ever been taken for questioning or even
been under slight suspicion from the D.As office. Unlike Van
Halen who get pulled in every time some poor bastard ‘buys
the farm’ even if they happen to be touring Japan at the
time.
5. Neil used to have long hair and a tash. A fact he vehemently
denies saying all the old photos were doctored and he has always
looked cool and worn hats you would expect to see on someone much
younger.
6. Rush have more crap tribute bands than any other act in the
world except Robbie Williams and the New Seekers.
7. Alex never lets the others look at his wage slips, which
really annoys Geddy because he thinks Alex might be getting more
than him. Neil doesn’t care because of the wealth phobia
thing but you try getting his last thirty quid off him.
8. Neil’s aunty Eileen buys him a new drum every birthday
and Christmas and an illogical superstition means that Neil has
to take every drum he owns on tour with him. Over the last couple
of years this has got a bit out of hand and Rush recently
employed some NASA scientists to build a big spinney round thing
to fit them all on. However halfway through the first gig the
motor went and has never worked since. They now have to employ a
magician who stands on a box stage left and says “olly olly
big school” every time they want it to spin. To offset the
cost they sacked two roadies so now on top of his own duties, the
magician has to make all the tea and cut the sleeves off
Geddy’s T-shirts.
9. Alex isn’t all that keen on Weetabix and on the very rare
occasions he has to eat them puts loads of sugar on.
10. For the last 32 years Rush have been members of a weird sect
called the ‘Scappers’ who among other strange ideals
refuse to acknowledge leap years, meaning that the Scapper
calendar is now 8 days in front of the normal one, which in turn
means planning tour schedules and such is a logistical nightmare.
After a mathematical error on the last tour caused 5 consecutive
concerts to be missed the road manager was given one weeks notice
which in real terms meant he was sacked yesterday.
11. Neil’s’ favourite colour is blue, Alex and
Geddys’ isn’t.
12. Geddy once fell over and banged his head really hard but
always maintains he can’t have been drunk because it was
Wednesday.
13. Geddy, Alex and Neil all take two sugars, which is a source
of huge amusement whenever they do chat shows or radio interviews
and stuff. However it really is just a coincidence.
14. Despite Canada only having a population of 317 amazingly no
member of Rush is related to either Brian Adams or Celine Dion.
Even more amazing is the fact that they only met once at a post
office when Brian was getting some electric stamps and Celine was
renewing her car tax. Because none of them were famous at the
time they didn’t recognise each other. Geddy says if it
happened today there would be discreet nods of acknowledgement
but no more because Brian thinks he’s all that and Celine is
shit.
15. Alex was three times world ‘guess the advert’
champion and still occasionally tries to get the others to play
for money at the hotel. However Geddy never gets drawn and Neil
always says he can’t because he’s only got thirty quid
left and he needs it for fags, vodka and pork pies.
16. Geddys dog can bark the intro to ‘Bastille Day’ but
even this amazing talent doesn’t stop it getting frequent
and severe beatings for trying to shag next doors impressive
topiary displays, Geddy also says if it shits in the dining room
one more time he’s going to have its knackers cut off.
17. No matter how many times you rearrange the 4 letters that
make up Rush it is impossible to achieve a meaningful anagram,
unless you are really stupid and think that shur is a proper
word. (If you are really stupid and think shur is a proper word,
it isn’t, unless you live in a really far eastern province
of the Czech Republic in which case it is a very rarely used
slang term meaning the spitty bits that fall out when you are
cleaning a trombone)
18. Neil Peart has never been sick.
19. Writing down Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson and Neil Peart uses
every letter in the alphabet except b,c,h,j,k,m,q,u,v & z.
& w.
20. Rush have never played Plymouth and only did Derby a few
times before they got really big, at the Assembly Rooms.
21. Geddys’ early influences include Cream, Led Zeppelin,
The Yardbirds and Aled Jones.
22. Rush are avid Eastenders fans and refuse to tour certain
parts of south east Asia as it clashes with screening times. They
were all gutted about Pauline Fowler and took five days off from
recording the new album and stayed in on New Years Eve as they
felt it inappropriate to let such trivialities interfere with a
real life tragedy.
23. Although Alex is tea total Geddy and Neil are both legendary
drinkers and can both down 12 pints easy without going for a
piss.
24. Despite their colossal wealth Rush remain staunch socialists.
So much so that they don’t even have the pop man, choosing
instead to send their servants down to Tescos for a bottle of
Dandelion and Burdock as and when. Except Neil of course who
doesn’t realise he’s rich and can’t be blowing his
last thirty quid on fizzy drinks.
25. Alex is a world-class dancer who worked as head choreographer
on the first three Michael Jackson tours. Geddy writes all
Rush’s music in strange time signatures in a bid to prevent
Alex from laying down his moves live, although if you watch the
‘Show of Hands’ video closely you can catch a glimpse
of him moon walking in the middle eight of ‘Big Money’
26. Rush have a strict ‘male only’ policy in regard to
their road crew. To maintain political correctness the bands
stance has always been that this is for practical reasons, shower
arrangements and such. However Geddy once when pissed, admitted
that the proper reason was that girls are shit at lifting stuff
and sometimes get the face on for fuck all.
27. The Dalai Llama isn’t a real Llama. (Nothing to do with
Rush but to be honest I’ve been struggling since number 23)
28. Rush have made enough in royalties to buy every single person
in Venezuela an ice cream, or just over half of them if they want
flakes.
29. If you look in the dictionary, as well as being a type of
hurrying up Rush is also a crap plant that grows in some water.
30. Rush have now done 347 albums and only 2 of them haven’t
been any good.
There, now go and amaze your friends.
Speaking of the anniversary...
...let
me take you back 30 years to that very time and tell you how it
really was.
Although we now look back with great fondness at our first ever
visit to these shores, I remember thinking at the time it was a
bit of a disaster. Due to some shit advice from our cultural
advisors and the bands sheer naivety of things European, one or
two things could have been handled better.
Firstly Geddy for some reason, thought that no one in what he
must have regarded as a third world country would understand his
Canadian drawl and therefore chose to adopt a ridiculous
‘Dick Van Dyke’ type cockney accent to endear himself
to the local people. Neil was totally out of it as usual and
Alex, well was just Alex.
After flying into Manchester, taking the short Trans-Pennine
drive into the heart of South Yorkshire and getting a well earned
nights kip at the Hallam Towers Hotel. (Give or take a few
liveners of course) our first pre-gig duty the following day was
the obligatory local radio interview. On this occasion it was
‘Colin Slade’ on ‘Hallam Rock’. Here’s
how it went.
COLIN - “Hallam Rock is now proud to welcome from Toronto
Canada, the cult rock band who have been causing quite a stir in
the media recently, welcome Rush”
GEDDY - “Awright innit”
COLIN - “Welcome lads, how are you finding life on this side
of the pond.”
GEDDY - “Totally splendid, lavly to be in Sheff, Lav the
cutlery, its top notch and proper sharp.”
ALEX - “Oooh Betty”
COLIN - “How do like Yorkshire.”
ALEX - “Everybody talks funny. We were talking to a man in
the hotel last night and he kept saying ‘dunt’ instead
of doesn’t. It was really funny”
COLIN - “Neil, it must have been a great achievement getting
to this stage in your careers, how would you sum it up”
NEIL - “YOU DON’T GET SOMETHING FOR NOTHING”
COLIN - “Absolutely, what do like about England”
ALEX - “I love the telly here, last night I watched a
programme called Tomorrows World and it said that one day we will
all be able to have phones that we carry about without wires and
LPs will soon be replaced by a thing called cassettes that are
dead little. There was also something about an Internet on
computers instead of that tennis game and global warming which
will make it hot, but I didn’t get that bit, Blue Peter is
ace as well.”
COLIN - “For the benefit of those not familiar with Rush
tell us a bit about your music”
NEIL - “ ANTHEM OF THE HEART AND ANTHEM OF THE MIND”
COLIN - “Indeed, Geddy, what are your first thoughts”
GEDDY - “Cor blimey chief, loadsa good looking gals innit,
well worth a Sherman an all. I’d be howya doin darlin then
straight up the apples and pears and no mistakin.”
COLIN - “Absolutely, thanks for dropping in guys, catch them
at the City Hall tonight, ladies and gentlemen, Rush.”
NEIL - “I THINK I’M GOING BALD”
COLIN - “What”
NEIL - “I AM BORN, I AM ME, I AM NEW, I AM FREE”
GEDDY - “Oh lordy, let’s fack orf”
From
there it was down to the city hall for what should have been a
landmark gig except again due to some dubious advice Rush
performed the entire thing in flat caps and stripy waistcoats
with two boxes of live pigeons on top of the amps. (Which
incidentally kept escaping and shitting on the drum riser) From
there it was onto a load of other second rate venues which we
wouldn’t touch with a barge pole once we became massive.
Despite all this the boys must have liked something about the
place because after the tour they decided to stay on to record
‘A Farewell to Kings,’ the full story of which appears
in last Decembers issue, as you regular readers will already
know. For the rest of you go and fucking read it now. It’s
bastard funny. Tune in next month for our moment of glory on the
‘New York Talk Show’ circuit and find out what happened
when we got stuck in a lift with Barry White (I still have deep
psychological scars around this episode and found it emotionally
disturbing to recollect so at least have the decency tell at
least thirty of your friends about it)
The ponces have said if I say something nice about them and plug
their upcoming anniversary gig they might let me go with them. So
here goes, Bravado are only marginally subnormal middle aged men
who I would only like to torture a bit and they are doing a nice
show at ‘The Boardwalk’ on Friday. (actually due to
this being a month late the show has already taken place and
apparently went OK, well the ponces say so, but they usually
exaggerate)
I was going to add, if you’re feeling flush, I am the
attractive one who hangs about with the techs and I drink any
bitter but preferably over 4.7%. To protect my identity, on
approach the secret password for males is ‘Marlow I
presume’ and for females ‘Tongue me you horny
fucker.’ but no fucking point now.
See you next time.
Marlow
PS: Re the free Marlow campaign.
A big thanks to Kev from Bawtry who struck a massive blow for the
‘Free Marlow’ campaign by following April’s
instructions to the letter, cheers mate, hope the swellings gone
down a bit and sincerely hope that the solicitor I recommended
managed to get the charge down to affray. A few more noble
gestures like this and I may well be out for the tour. If
you’re off to see the ponces this month at least kick a tech
for me.
