|
June
Hello Marlow here
Sorry
about the recent inactivity but I’ve got a really good
excuse and something even better by way of compensation.
There was a bloke in some overalls in
here last month checking the wiring, shaking his head and saying
it all needs redoing otherwise someone might die. Pod, obviously
oblivious to the fact that he is about to be ripped off, had told
him to make the necessary arrangements and get it sorted, whilst
being very careful not to touch anything that looks like it may
kill him. So with the likely scenario of the place being overrun
with workmen over the next month and me being discovered a
possibility that may lead to a number of lengthy prison sentences
being handed out, it was back up to Brav Mansions for me for a
few weeks whilst the work was completed.
So stand by for the ritual humiliation of your least favourite
tribute band as I hide writing utensils about my person again and
report on the everyday goings on of one set of very strange
people in a Marlow’s diary special. Obviously I have been
away from my typewriter for a month so the promised piece on the
‘Rush’ the Movie project etc. will follow at a later
date.
Oh and thank you for the many kind comments enquiring about what
had happened to me over the last few weeks (well three anyway
including the two I sent, by the way Bourne did you mean
‘Tea Spitting’ or do you actually engage in an obscure
hobby that involves ‘splitting’ tea, if so is it
interesting and could I do it, I do spend a lot of time bored
shitless down here.) anyway on with the show as I proudly
present….
ANOTHER MONTH PISSING ABOUT WITH THE PONCES
Mon 1st - Got
smuggled out mid afternoon so unfortunately missed the high
excitement of monthly ‘holding hands round the shouting
pole’ ceremony. On arrival, after being chained to the
living room radiator, which is now my new place of rest for the
next few weeks, first observations are, Dean in bad mood, Pod
sulking about Paul buying ‘Smart Price’ tea bags, Paul
asleep in chair, which apparently he had been allowed to keep but
only after a substantial dirty protest, which no one appears sure
as to whether or not was intentional. Techs in back room
measuring cocks. Being chained to a radiator in a damp rehearsal
room is OK but it’s lovely to be home.
Tues 2nd - Pod declares ‘dressing up’
day. Pod is going to be Napoleon, Dean is wearing a Gestapo
uniform, which Matt is finding highly amusing and claiming
doesn’t count. Paul wants to be a DFS deliveryman and
can’t get to grips with the fact that they just dress in
everyday clothes and it misses the point. Craig, Chris and Matt
all come out dressed in Firemen’s uniforms but Dean makes
Matt take his off, dress up as a girl, then run round the garden
shouting “I feel saucy.” Matt not looking best pleased.
A challenge issued from Dean that if they all dare go down to the
pub dressed up, he will get a Chinese out of petty cash (two main
courses, three rice and some prawn crackers between them) however
he reneges on this after discovering on the way home that he has
spent the last hour sat in the White Swan with a piece of paper
cellotaped to his back with ‘I am a twat’ written on it
and there was a bird in there who he fancied.
Wed 3rd - Dean throws major bluey after
discovering what he insists is Hamster shit in the muesli,
everyone looking a bit sick except Paul who says they are the
best bits and if Dean is not going to eat them he will and Chris
who never eats muesli but has gone a bit red and appears to be
looking at Matt with a ‘I did it for you mate’ look on
his face. Craig tries to be diplomatic and explain that there is
no way the Hamster could have got into the muesli cupboard only
to be met with a ‘you know that’s not what I’m
getting at’ look from Dean. Dean insists if no one owns up
by dinnertime then everyone will suffer. Not a very pleasant
afternoon and evening, made all the worse by the fact that for
some strange reason Dean is still wearing his Gestapo uniform.
Everyone waiting to suffer.
Thurs 4th - Slightly better atmosphere up until
about 2.00pm when it all went tits up again after Dean proclaimed
he was starving, then overheard Chris say “hang on I’ll
get the hamster” luckily it’s practice night so at
least they all fucked off and had the monk on somewhere else.
Fri 5th - Gig next week so usual pissing about
as if they are doing something important, living room overrun
with clothes, sunglasses, set lists, combs, hair gel, mirrors,
electronicy pad polish, leads, flight cases, pedal pushers, hold
alls, tea bags etc. Everyone now becoming noticeably uneasy about
the fact that Dean still hasn’t taken his uniform off,
although he is now wearing it casually, with the sleeves rolled
up and the cap pushed slightly to one side. Pep talk from Pod in
the afternoon about how important it is they play well this year,
what with Rush themselves touring and all that. Paul said he had
been a bit disappointed recently, he felt things had appeared to
become a little slack over the last few months and people
weren’t as focused as they probably should be, then pissed
himself.
Sat 6th - Techs have arranged to go into town
and meet some girls but Pod insistent that they can only have
pocket money when rooms are tidied and bedding changed and they
are only having a fiver each anyway because of no one owning up
to the muesli business. Dean then knocks that down to four quid
for the ‘twat’ note. Craig still upbeat and explains to
others if they walk into town they can still get a McDonalds.
Chris asks if he owns up now can they all have the full seven
quid, which, by the look on Dean’s face, could be the
biggest mistake of his young life yet. Paul rummages in a box on
the widow sill and attempts to give them all another quid each
without Dean and Pod seeing, which may well have come off had
they both not been stood next to him. The three young ones
eventually leave for town with their eternal optimism for life
only slightly dented by Dean shouting after them “Muesli
business: not over!” then pencilling in a house meeting for
Tuesday and going to put his uniform in the dryer.
Sun 7th - A lot of moaning this morning from
Chris, Matt and Craig about church being boring. Matt wants to
know why they can’t go to one of those churches where
everyone is black and claps and sings, Craig wants one of those
where a bloke with funny hair puts his hands in the air and says
‘feel the power’ and ‘touch me lord’ Chris
wants one where they bury people in big boxes. Pod at pains to
explain that we don’t have those sort in this country and
Chris means funerals. Techs not convinced and go off into the
back room to start their own ‘Rush’ based religion
called ‘The Church of Geddy.’ Paul complaining all
afternoon that he can’t watch telly because the three of
them are singing ‘Time Standeth still,’ ‘Rolleth
the Bones’ and ‘Conductor of Much Superness’ among
other things in silly choirboy voices at an unreasonable level.
Pod looks completely knobbed off and Dean in his room reading
aloud from what sounds like a German phrasebook.
Mon 8th - Paul livid
this morning after finding that Chris has put a Ben Sherman in
the middle of his crap shirt collection for a laugh and
completely spoiled the effect. Explained that nobody likes a
laugh more than him and although he thought putting Hamster shit
in Dean’s breakfast was hysterical, this time Chris has gone
too far. At this point Paul forgot why he was mad and proceeded
to tell us all a joke about three nuns and an Alsatian, which
either he got badly wrong or it wasn’t very funny.
Tues 9th - After big clean up and weekly big
shop all settled mid afternoon for house meeting, which after
several adjournments and being reconvened on at least twelve
occasions round the shouting pole finally finished shortly after
10.00pm. Didn’t catch all of it for laughing and at times
being out of earshot, but the highlights were:
Pod calmly trying to explain to a bemused looking Chris that
‘eat shit’ is a figure of speech grown ups use to
offend each other when they are mad and definitely not an
invitation for him to deposit animal faeces in someones breakfast
cereal.
Pod calmly trying to explain to a bemused looking Chris that
although it is very important to tell the truth and even if Dean
is a twat, it’s still very rude to stick a piece of paper on
him saying so and it doesn’t really constitute a show of
honesty.
Matt and Craig both donning ridiculous ponytails and pretending
to play the drums in a very effeminate manner every time Dean
turns his back.
Dean at his wits end, telling Paul that it’s not helpful him
barking like a dog when he is trying to discipline the kids.
Pod at his wits end, telling Paul it’s no good using
sanctions on the kids if he is just going to give them it anyway.
Pod and Dean both at their wits end with Paul for pissing up the
shouting pole and barking like a dog whilst they were trying to
tell him off. Missed Emmerdale and I wasn’t even bothered.
Wed 10th - Atmosphere still a bit strained after
yesterday’s goings on. Just after lunchtime Cheeky Douggie
came round from next door to try and cadge some food, explaining
he had accidentally spent his last fifteen quid on a readers
wives ‘Snatch of the Day’ special and a Croatian remake
of ‘Debbie does Dallas’ (coming out with the classic
line “they’re good at it these Croatians, don’t
know where they get them from”) Also some bizarre rantings
about the fact that he had been to the Doctors yesterday because
he had been sleepwalking a lot lately and the Doctor had told him
to tell everyone he came into contact with not to wake him if
they saw him sleepwalking, as it is dangerous and they should
just let him get on with whatever he is doing. Puzzled looks all
round and only Craig with the sense to ask how he knew he had
been sleepwalking, for which he received a sharp ‘Don’t
be so rude to grown ups, even if it is only Cheeky Douggie’
look from Pod. On the way out Dean hands him two out of date
Bananas and an almost full box of Muesli. Paul laughs
hysterically then barks like a dog a bit.
Thurs 11th - Gig day, Scunthorpe, to be honest
the fact that nobody has spoken properly since the house meeting
can’t have been ideal preparation but as they left they
seemed confident enough, but then again when does Pod not seem
confident, especially for someone who looks like that. Time will
tell and I wait with giddy anticipation for what tomorrow will
bring.
Fri 12th - Tomorrow brings tales of disaster and
a considerable post mortem to what was reportedly a fuck up of a
gig on a monumental scale. Highlights of the numerous blame
apportioning conversations included one where Paul explained that
he can’t be expected to remember everything, only to be told
by Pod that true as that was, a guitar might have helped under
the circumstances. Dean and Pod arguing about the volume of the
back line with Paul trying to claim that if he had taken a guitar
that would have made things worse and Paul trying to blame the
electronicy pad for a number of bizarre reasons. Also a look of
homicide crossed the faces of both Pod and Dean when Paul said he
thought that playing air guitar and singing the guitar parts
worked well and he might try it again in the near future. In the
end everyone settled on blaming the techs and stopping them some
more pocket money this week. Some light relief in the evening
when Dean went to investigate a noise in the kitchen only to find
Cheeky Douggie in the pantry, in his pyjamas pretending to be
asleep and repeatedly mumbling “Beam me up Scotty” with
his eyes half closed whilst filling a carrier bag with tins. Dean
kicked the fuck out of him.
Sat 13th - Dean announced no money as such from
the gig as most people who turned up left after three songs
demanding their money back. Techs straight out to town without so
much as enquiring about pocket money. Pod reading comments on web
site which to put it mildly were not exactly in the favourable
category. Paul not making things any better by playing air guitar
whilst orally screeching the solo from ‘La Villa
Strangiato’ and asking the others how that sounded. Quiet
afternoon, techs returned about 6.00 because ‘Back to the
Future 3’ was on. Early night.
Sun 14th - Managed to get a lie in, awoken just
after 11.00 by techs skipping in from church singing ‘The
Stars Looketh Down’ followed by the usual moans about church
being crap and if God is that good how come he let ‘I Think
I’m Going Bald’ be on ‘Caress of Steel.’
Hilarious conversation in the afternoon which started with Pod
moaning about Marlow being the only one on the website getting
any good reviews and that he is seriously toying with the idea of
releasing me. Followed by Dean explaining the implications of the
situation and what men do to each other in prison, especially
ones with long hair that look a bit girly, followed very quickly
by Pod no longer toying with the idea of releasing me and then
checking the chains, just in case. Bit of trouble early evening
re someone drawing a knob on Pod’s Bible but to be honest
nobody up for pursuing it, not even Dean.
Mon 15th - All mobile
phones confiscated after Pod uncovered a plot by the techs to
take pictures of Paul in the bath and post them on the Website.
Impromptu house meeting called and stern warnings all round about
what might happen if practical jokes go too far and the
credibility of the band is in any way compromised. Techs all look
at each other and try not to laugh at the word
‘credibility’ following last weeks shambles. Paul
insistent that there was no need to panic as he always keeps his
clothes on in the bath, because the water’s never hot and he
wasn’t due for another fortnight anyway. Pod gives Paul his
best ‘why the fuck do I bother’ look. Phones returned
about 9.00 and no more said.
Tues 16th - Mass hysteria this morning following
the discovery of a pair of ‘hair straighteners’ in the
bathroom. Matt has a quick look round, realises there are no
other candidates, does a half hearted ‘a bird left them in
my bag’ routine, realising very early in the piece that this
wouldn’t account for them being on the bathroom floor, then
disappears upstairs to contemplate the highly likely scenario of
his existence being a complete misery from this day on. Others
amuse themselves all morning with piss poor puns and altering
lyrics of any song that contains a word that sounds anything
remotely like straight, which they then take in turns to shout
upstairs. Matt comes down shortly before teatime looking a cross
between homicidal and suicidal and leaves slamming the door
behind him. Pod says “ooh he’s gone STRAIGHT out”
and everyone laughs as if they’ve just followed a lottery
win with shagging Kate Moss and being named as Led Zeppelins new
singer. My already nothing-filled eternity of a day has just
lengthened significantly.
Wed 17th - Everyone up early and bang at it with
the straight business. ‘Straight up,’ ‘Straight
from the heart,’ anything by Dire Straits, even a couple
verging on witty from Craig including ‘Straightners in the
night’ and ‘I will be right here straightning for
you.’ Bizarrely Pods contribution was ‘Straight a
minute’ a play on ‘Wait a minute’ by the Pussycat
Dolls which he appeared to know all the way through, a fact for
which he might have suffered had everyone not been solely
concentrating on the matter in hand, (he’s only just got
over the Will Young thing.) Paul just stood at the back and sang
‘curling tongs’ to the tune of ‘here we go, here
we go, here we go’ but appeared to enjoy the whole
experience as much as everybody else.
Thurs 18th - Pod suggests that due to Matt being
a bit upset towards the end of last night everyone should agree
not to use the word ‘straight’ at all today. Paul,
without any intention of being humorous whatsoever, asks if the
rule applies straight away and sends everyone into a fit of
giggles again, which in turn sparks Paul into another chorus of
‘curling tongs’ Craig asks what they should do if they
genuinely need to use the word straight and not in a ‘taking
the piss out of Matt’ way. After a forty-five minute debate
everyone agrees to use the term ‘not bendy’ instead.
Chris and Craig enjoy a fun-filled afternoon repeatedly asking
each other if they are ‘gay’ or ‘not bendy’
Matt looks seriously pissed off. Practice night so all out
shortly after teatime. Chris asks if they can stop at the shop on
the way over, to which Craig replies “no we’d better
get ‘not bendy’ to the studio” I laughed till I
stopped.
Fri 19th - A note through the door early on from
Cheeky Douggie, saying he is sorry about the sleepwalking thing
but Dean shouldn’t have woke him up like that and does Paul
want to come round and watch ‘Debbie does Dallas’ Paul
off like a dirty shirt much to Pods disgust. Matt complaining to
Pod that Chris and Craig keep pointing at his hair and saying
‘not bendy’ in high-pitched voices to wind him up.
Chris and Craig say they’re only doing it until they are
allowed to say straight again, Pod decrees that straight is
allowed again but not to overdo it. Chris and Craig then proceed
to point at Matt’s hair and say ‘straight’ in
high-pitched voices. Pod shrugs and looks to Dean for a bit of
back up, Dean however is thoroughly enjoying watching Matt being
persecuted and passes it off as ‘just kids being kids’
Paul returns mid afternoon and spends the evening sat in his
chair, stroking his chest and saying “I’m going to eat
you mister” in a Croatian accent.
Sat 20th - Chris and Craig out to town early to
meet girls, Matt stayed in and sulked, muttering stuff about how,
when he was grown up he would be nice to his techs and give them
a tenner each pocket money and never make them dress up as girls
or anything. Pod and Dean updating Website with a mixture of wild
exaggerations and lies, Paul walking around talking dirty in a
Croatian accent. Chris and Craig return about six o clock, have
tea, watch ‘Doctor Who’ and spend the rest of the night
straightening the Hamsters hair whilst repeatedly calling it
‘Matt.’
Sun 21st - After church Pod calls an informal
meeting to discuss future gigs in a bid to avoid a repeat of the
last fiasco. Stresses the importance of everyone picking up extra
responsibilities to make up for the fact that Paul appears to be
tantamount to useless in his current state. The techs must now be
responsible for making sure all the appropriate equipment is
taken to gigs even if Paul says it is ‘under control.’
On top of their regular duties they must between them make sure
Paul goes to the toilet immediately before going on stage, make
sure that his guitars have been tuned and he has the set list in
front of him in large capital letters. Chris must operate the
pedals, Craig to be in charge of his amp settings and Matt to
oversee his wardrobe. At this point Paul jumps on the settee,
announces that there’s no need to worry cos
everything’s OK again, starts playing air guitar whilst
screeching the middle eight to ‘Red Barchetta’ falls,
bangs his head on the coffee table, mutters “I’ll do
the whole goddam team” in a Croatian accent, barks a bit
then passes out. Pod doesn’t look well.
Mon 22nd - Pod and
Paul have a lie in after not getting back from casualty until
gone 2 o clock. Dean out to do a big shop. Techs now all on
better terms and Matt letting Chris and Craig have a go with the
straighteners. Pod decides to arrange some activities for the
evening to try and re-establish a bit of team spirit after the
recent hiccups. Straight after ‘Coronation Street’ a
full 3 hours of ‘Geddeoke’ and Rush based Charades.
Everyone up to bed happy.
Tues 23rd - Big problem today after Craig found
out Pods TNMS password and posted a message in Pods name along
the lines of ‘who gives a fuck about Rush touring,
we’re better than them and all of the other tribute bands
are shit and me and Dean know where you all live and will be
round later in the week to cause some serious shit’ Pod
spent all afternoon on the site trying to put things right.
Trying to explain what had happened and how he had total respect
for other tribute bands and regarded them as brothers in arms,
even if some of them did have more members than ‘Earth Wind
and Fire’, and how even if he had said the stuff
about being better than Rush, he felt some of the replies were a
little over the top and uncalled for. Bravado weren’t crap
and Paul could play guitar, he just happened to have
forgotten it on the particular night to which they were
referring. Also they definitely weren’t interested in
fighting. Finally came off the computer at 8.30 and locked the
door just in case. Craig had complained about not feeling well
and gone to bed half an hour earlier.
Wed 24th - Pod still checking the window every
half hour as if anyone he had previously insulted knew or cared
where he lived. Dean making smug remarks about the importance of
keeping your tech in check and not being too soft and how Matt
wouldn’t dare pull a stunt like that with him, whilst Matt
stood behind him in his ridiculous ponytail pretending to play
the drums in a very effeminate manner. Paul spent the morning
pulling the dressing he has on his forehead over his left eye and
talking like a Pirate.
Thurs 25th - Nothing much happening early on,
slight argument about whether or not to have the heating on. Pod
adamant that he was cold whilst Paul claimed he was
‘sweating like a fat mans arse.’ Dean said if there was
no agreement it was staying off because it’s cheaper.
Practice night, which apparently went OK and also all electrical
work at the studio and subsequent plastering etc complete. Dean
says he may as well take me back over tomorrow as I am getting on
his tits and he thinks he has seen me taking notes on what they
are doing. Pod insists on leaving it for a couple of days in case
any of the workmen call back to pick something up and if I am
taking notes it’s OK because they aren’t doing anything
strange, it’s all very normal here.
Fri 26th - Nothing much happened. Nobody fell
out, nobody did anything strange, the Hamster was fed on time,
Cheeky Douggie never came round, Paul acted normal, Dean was
quite pleasant, the techs weren’t naughty, Matt’s hair
looked a bit wavy, Pod made tea, the shouting pole remained dry
and everyone agreed on the TV schedule. Bored shitless.
Sat 27th - Everyone out in the Bravmobile this
morning, after dropping Cheeky Douggie off at the Porn shop, Pod
was taking the techs swimming whilst Dean took Paul to get his
dressing changed and pick some stuff up from town. All returned
about 3.00. Fairly sedate afternoon. Dean and Pod talking like
musicians, discussing amps, albums, gigs etc as if they know what
they are talking about, techs in back room doing some more hymns
for the Church of Geddy. ‘Carveth Away The Stone’
‘Faceth up’ ‘Turneth the Page’ and
‘Flyeth by Night’ waft through the house at different
times accompanied by shouts of ‘not bendy’ in high
pitched voices and the sound of play fighting, Paul watching
snooker, picking his nose, singing ‘curling tongs’ and
giggling.
Everyone to bed early.
Sun 28th - All back from church just after
11.00. Dean unchains me, puts a sack over my head and loads me
into the boot of the Bravmobile for the short ride back over to
the studio. As I leave Pod is in the back room working on the
website with his headphones on and the sound turned really low,
which would have given no clue as to what he was listening to had
he not been singing ‘Stickwitu’ by the ‘Pussycat
Dolls’ at the top of his voice. Paul, sat in the garden with
Cheeky Douggie laughing a lot and having a ‘who can say
“I just love cock” in the best Croatian accent’
competition. Craig, Chris and Matt upstairs straightening each
others hair. On the way back Dean tells me he will fucking kill
me if he finds out I’ve been writing anything untoward about
them, I reply “how could I, it’s all so fucking normal
over there” and Dean says “good lad” like
he’s a fucking gangster.
So there you go, hope you enjoyed that
as much as I did. Tune in next month (now I am back at my
keyboard) for what should have been the Bumper Anniversary
Commemorative Issue, celebrating 30 years to the day of
Rush’s first ever European gig on June the first (well it
still will be, only it will be one month late and called
‘the July issue’) miss it and you’re going to feel
pretty fucking stupid. As well as being left out of any
worthwhile conversation for the next three years, there is a
serious possibility that you will never have sex again and people
will try and set fire to you whenever you leave the house. Catch
some startling revelations in ‘30 things you never knew
about Rush’ plus the truth behind the inaugural 77 tour.
Speak
soon and don’t tell the ponces I’ve told you all this
otherwise my ass is grass.
Laters
Marlow
