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September
Hello, Marlow here.
Well it’s summer break over and back to Gigsville for the three ponces. Needless to say they have been rehearsing relentlessly over the past month on account of being a) extremely conscientious and b) crap, so if any of you are planning to see them in the near future there is no reason why they shouldn’t get most of the set right.
So onto more tales of my life with the
real thing, (I mean Rush, not that band called ‘The Real
Thing’
who had a hit with ‘You to me are Everything’ back in
the seventies, although I did have
some very entertaining nights out with them as well, good dancers
as I remember and more than above average on the pulling front)
I thought I would share with you one particular episode from our
not so glorious past
that has never been spoken about since, due to the collective
embarrassment factor for everyone involved.
It must have been around '95 time, as I vaguely remember the arse
end of the ‘Counterparts’ tour.
Subdivisions
Rush
had been approached by Quentin Tarrantino, who
after basking in the glory of
Pulp Fiction for a few months had set himself the task
of filming a credible ‘Rockumentary’ as a follow up.
I remember how very hip, honoured and down with the kids we all
felt at the time,
almost disappearing up our own arses as we discussed camera
angles, make up stuff and practised saying motherfucker without
laughing.
Unbeknown to us, we were fifth choice.
His original screenplay was a Biopic of the life of Meatloaf
with a typical Tarrantino twist, but Meat
had told him to “fuck right off”
after discovering the script included a 37 minute slow motion
passage of him indulging in forced anal sex with Jim Steinman.
Wham were unavailable (but would have been up
for it they said), Slade were touring and The
Stylistics had long since split up.
So there we were, the four of us on a Hollywood sound stage
acting as technical advisors on
a Movie about our life and times. The reason we were acting as
technical advisors was due to the fact
that that we had all failed screen tests by the best part of a
furlong to play our own characters
and were now in the weird position of watching some of the
industry’s finest portray our very selves. Robert De
Niro had landed the much-contested role of Geddy
Lee, Johnny Depp had always been the
natural choice to portray Neil Peart and quite
bizarrely, Alex’s part was taken by a blond
wigged Eddie Murphy. I remember being quite
offended at the time that the role of me was given to the fat
bloke off The Sopranos.
I had honestly suspected that the only reason we got in as fifth
choice for the project anyway was the fact that Tarrantino
liked the idea of an all male threesome, however we never got to
find out as the entire thing was over almost before it began.
Here to the best of my recollection was the point at which it all
went tits up, an early scene which took part in some dressing
room shortly before a massive show.
TARRANTINO
- "Aaannnd………..Action!"
DEPP - "Ah ha ah ha! If there be no bread, let the masses
feast on cake, there really is no end to what they will take,
flaunt the riches of those born within the nobility and wash away
the commoners like one would er wash some salt away. Good man of
the road crew, buildeth me a spliff as I feel the need to get
high, ah ha. "
DE NIRO - (throwing a chair across the room) "I ordered some
M&Ms over a f###ing hour ago. Is someone trying to seriously
f###ing disrespect me here, I mean did I f###ing ask for M&Ms
or didn’t I, you tell me, I might be f###ing wrong, maybe I
just f###ing dreamt I asked for M&Ms, you know maybe I’m
just f###ing losing it here, I don’t know, Alex remind me,
did I ask for M&Ms or am I just some f###ing jerk who claims
he asks for some M&Ms as some kind of sick joke, just to dick
people around when all the time I didn’t f###ing ask for
M&Ms."
FAT BLOKE FROM THE SOPRANOS - "Don’t look at me Ged,
I’m just a hanger on, a worthless piece of shit who would be
better off dead."
MURPHY - "I’ve done a poo poo."
TARRANTINO - "Cut……….. C’mon guys
let’s try and insert a bit of realism here, Bob show me some
f###ing anger, you wanted M&Ms and you don’t got
M&f###ingMs, you’re pissed man, when you’ve thrown
the chair pick the gun up and waste the cocksucker, you’re
supposed to be a f###ing rock star for gods sake, c’mon man
I need some serious anger here and I’m seeing serious
pussying out. Johnny I need more squinting, Eddie you’re
right on the money…………..right we’re
going again everybody in position please, aaaand….. "
GEDDY
- "Actually we’re not really like that. "
TARRANTINO - "What?"
GEDDY - "We just don’t carry off like that, I
don’t even like M&Ms."
ALEX - "That’s right Geddy, I don’t want to be
Beverley Hills Cop and I don’t do poo poos any more,
it’s all wrong."
ME - "The fat bloke from Sopranos is a knob head."
NEIL - "MY UNCLE HAS A COUNTRY PLACE THAT NO ONE KNOWS
ABOUT."
TARRANTINO - "You trying to say I don’t know how to
shoot a f###ing movie here, is that it,
that I should be working on ads for the f###ing Disney Channel?
You want f###ing references,
you want me to get Sammy Jackson and Travolta on the f###ing
phone?
Why the fuck am I doing this, taking shit off nobodies who
don’t know dick about movies. You wanna direct, is that it,
you want my f###ing chair?"
GEDDY - "No, it’s just that we aren’t like
that."
ALEX - "I don’t do poo poos."
NEIL - "THEY SAY IT USED TO BE A FARM BEFORE THE MOTOR
LAW."
TARRANTINO -" Right that’s it, the whole thing’s
off, clear the set. Rachel, get me REO Speedwagons agent on the
f###ing phone right now, c’mon people start moving,
let’s all just fuck off."
GEDDY - "I’m supposed to say that."
So that was that, no ‘Rush - The Movie’, no tripping up the red carpet with Nicole Kidman for the premier, no Oscar nominations, no fucking nothing. Well actually while we were in Hollywood Neil did a couple of weeks in rehab but eventually got thrown out for smoking the bedroom curtains. After that things really started to slow down. But hey, that’s another story (or two.)
We've taken care of
everything
I’ll leave you now with an excerpt from a book I’m
working on out of sheer boredom, entitled ‘Phonetic
Rush for the Deaf’
This is from Chapter 5: "All the World’s a
Stage", page 157, 2112 Overture (live).
DE DER (WHEEYYY)
DE DER DERRR
DE (WHEEYY)
DE DER DER (WHEEYY)
DE DER (WHEEYY)
DE DER (WHEEYY)
DE DER (WHEEYY)
DE DER DERRRR
DE DER DERRRR
DER DER (de de de de)
DER
DER (de de de de)
DER DER (de de de de)
DER DER DERRRRR
DER DER (de de de de)
DER DER (de de de de)
DER DER (de )
DER DER
DER DER DER
DER DER DER
WHA WHA WHA WHA WHAA
DER DERRR
WHA WHA WHA WHA WHAA
DER DERRR
DUNDEDEDUNDEDEDUNDEDEDUNDEDEDUNDEDEDUNDEDEDUNDUNDUNDUN ETC.
Think we’re on a winner here, see
you in WH Smiths for the launch.
Next month, a heavy session of drinking, smoking and burning
things with loads of other celebs at a big festival in Amsterdam.
Laters
Marlow.
