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Christmastide 2007
Hello and a merry bastard Xmas
from Marlow
Well, a fucking splendid night down
the Hallam Arena last month seeing the boys in action again,
a bit pissed off about Geddy not asking if
anybody knew where I was and to be honest the ponces aren’t
the best company on a night out but other than that can’t
complain.
I’m told it’s nearly Christmas, which doesn’t
surprise me, it’s bastard freezing in here since Dean
disconnected the radiator to which I have been chained for the
past year.
I have been ordered by the ponces to join in with the festivities
and write a nice happy Christmas pantomime, with some nice happy
Christmas characters, a nice happy Christmas story and a nice
happy Christmas ending.
So I thought fuck that and took the piss out of the ponces
instead.
Knowing Pod he will be extremely anxious about
the fact that it’s a bit sweary and for this reason I assume
that It’s hidden somewhere on the site behind a girly
disclaimer in the hope that nobody finds it.
In the meantime assuming that unlike me you are not chained to a
radiator in a shithole of a rehearsal studio with only one crap
dirty mag for company and Dean coming round to
stick a Turkey leg up your arse to look forward to, have a nice
Christmas and don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. Now
go and find the fucking panto, it’s hibastardlarious.
First up this time, however, another
batch of "Ask Marlow",
although to be honest if the content doesn’t improve soon
I’m fucking it off for good.
First caller, whaduyawant....
Dear Marlow
I have a large outbuilding at the rear of my house, to which I
have recently had the misfortune to lose the door handle. I have
had little luck in replacing it and hoped you wouldn’t mind
me using your excellent column as a plea to your readers for
assistance. I require a larger than usual spherical rotational
handle with a Yale type locking mechanism, so if there is anyone
out there with a massive knob I’d really appreciate a call.
Miss Jane Lykes, The Cockwell Inn, Tillit, Herts
Marlow says - I've heard it.
Dear Marlow
I met Rush after a gig in Newcastle recently,
and they claimed they had never heard of you. Are you just making
all of this up?
R.B, South Shields
Marlow says - No, you are.
Dear Marlow
I am a huge fan of NFL (that’s American Football for you
non-sporty types) my favourite team being the Washington
Redskins. Until recently my prized possession was the
Maroon Headgear actually worn by one of the Linebackers during
the 05/06 season, which was sent to me by my cousin who lives in
Atlanta. Unfortunately it was stolen a couple of weeks ago during
a break in at my Pub and I’d like nothing better than to
replace it. If any of your readers have a big purple helmet
I’d certainly like to meet them and get my hands on it.
J.L, Herts
Marlow says - For fuck's sake, spare us the sob
story about your thirteen Hens missing a recently stolen heavily
oversized Rooster.
Dear Marlow
When they turn the pages of history,
When these days have passed long ago,
Will they read of us with sadness?
For the seeds that we let grow.
N.P , Toronto
Marlow says - Oh, just fuck off, Neil
Well that’s all the enthusiasm I
can summon for now. If you’re off down the Boardwalk in
December, give the ponces some grief for me and don’t forget
to keep sending in pointless e-mails about where you went
shopping this week, which is your favourite pencil and good names
for Hamsters etc to www.planetbravado.com as it
appears to be annoying the tits off Pod and that
makes me happy (or as happy as I can be under the circumstances).
Talking of the ponces then, to celebrate the season of goodwill
to all men, I systematically defame, degrade and humiliate the
three of them and their crew in the Bravado Christmas
Panto, which due to the use of extremely strong language
(as Marlow goes hardcore) will probably be
hidden somewhere on the site preceded by a highly girly
disclaimer making you promise not to tell the police and going on
about how you shouldn’t read it unless you are over fifty
three and have immediate access to counseling, are not offended
by the word piss or in any way nervous about conjuring up an
image of Paul in a fairy outfit.
EXPERIENCE
THE
PANTO AS
A WEB
PAGE |
DOWNLOAD
THE
PANTO AS
A WORD
DOCUMENT |
Take care you crazy kids, have a
bearable Xmas, and speak soon.
Marlow
