BRAVCO IN ASSOCIATION WITH MARLOW INC & FUKTUP PRODUCTIONS

PROUDLY PRESENT

THE BRAVADO CHRISTMAS PANTO 2007

CINDERELLA MAN

STARRING

MATTHEW EDGE as CINDERELLA

CHRISTOPHER HARDWICK as BUTTONS

DEAN COUSINS & POD as THE UGLY SISTERS

PAUL PIERCY as THE FAIRY GODMOTHER

CRAIG WOOTTON as EVIL TOUR MANAGER

Plus

GEDDY LEE, ALEX LIFESON & NEIL PEART as THEMSELVES

ACT 1

SCENE ONE

A MOCK UP OF THE LIVING ROOM AT BRAV MANSIONS

Enter Chris stage left

AUDIENCE - Whhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy

CHRIS - Hi boys & girls, mums and dads, I’m Buttons, I do shit jokes and get you to shout stuff for no readily apparent reason

AUDIENCE - OH NO YOU DON’T

CHRIS - Oh yes I fucking do

Stunned silence from the audience

CHRIS - Right let’s practice while no ones about, what do we shout when the ugly sisters come out

AUDIENCE - BBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

CHRIS - No, we shout ‘YOU UGLY BASTARDS, YOU UGLY BASTARDS’ what do we shout

A sort of murmured hush descends among the somewhat uncomfortable looking audience

CHRIS - Come on louder, these are vile, syph ridden, penis munchers

Stifled coughs and low muttering

CHRIS - And what do we shout when we see Cinderella

AUDIENCE - HOOOOOOORRRRRAAAAAAYYYY

CHRIS - No, we shout ‘MATT, MATT, HE’S A TWAT, YOU WONT SEE STRAIGHTER HAIR THAN THAT’

Another uncomfortable silence

CHRIS - Actually, I’ve fucked up, that’s what we shout at home. You were right, it is hooray. Anyway someone’s coming, time for me to do one, catch you later, bye

Exit Chris stage right and enter Dean & Pod stage left wearing hideous makeup, ropey wigs and extremely garish ill fitting dresses

AUDIENCE (IN FULL TILT) - YOU UGLY BASTARDS, YOU UGLY BASTARDS

POD - Silence you cheeky scoundrels, for tonight is the night we go to the Hallam FM Arena to see the magnificent Rush in concert

DEAN - Fucking hell you’ve been practicing and stuff haven’t you

POD - Come on, do it properly. Yes the night is filled with magic as we await with giddy anticipation the concert of the year. whispers Do your line

DEAN - Yes, I’m fucking excited as well

POD - Do it like a girl

DEAN - Yes I’m so fucking excited and it’s great having tits and a fanny and that

POD - But wait, it’s almost five o clock, where are our fine concert outfits of silk and lace which shimmer beneath the dazzling concert lights

DEAN - Pod, to be honest you’re fucking scaring me a bit

POD - Whispers do it properly. Yes where indeed is our slave who should have had our finery laid out long before now

Enter Matt stage right

AUDIENCE - WWWWWHHHHHHHHHEEEEYYYYYYYYYY

MATT - I do apologise my gracious siblings everything is almost ready. By the way I couldn’t help noticing, you appear to have a spare ticket

POD - Impudence, there is no spare ticket, only the one we will exchange for backstage passes in order to meet our heroes, Geddy and I will flirt the night away and who knows perhaps seal the evening with a kiss

DEAN - Fuck me

MATT - I just thought…..

POD - Well don’t just think, it isn’t your business to think

DEAN - Now get the gear sorted, or it’s wet towel flicky flicky on bare arse time again

MATT - Sorry I forget myself, it’s getting late, you had better be off to the gig

The curtain descends to close scene 1. Then a bolt of lightning and Craig appears in front of the curtain

CRAIG - Gig? Gig! There will be no gig, I will see to that. For I am Evil Tour Manager, I will sabotage the P.A, I will put a gremlin in the works, a spanner in the proceedings, a ghost in the machine, a hummer up the nuns snatch, gig, gig wha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, there will be no gig, only hideous noises followed by silence and darkness

AUDIENCE - WWWWWAAAAANNNNKKKERR, FFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK OFFFFFFFFF

ACT 1

SCENE 2

THE SCULLERY WITHIN BRAV MANSIONS WHERE MATT IS SAT UPON A THREE LEGGED STOOL SOBBING

MATT - I’ll never ever see Rush in concert

Enter Paul stage right to rapturous applause and screaming. He is wearing a three sizes too small gold fairy outfit which has his entire shoulders and hairy man tits on full display and he is armed with Cheeky Douggie’s anal intruder with a gold star Sellotaped to the end as a magic wand

PAUL - Fear not Matty for I am a fucking Genie and you have three wishes

MATT - Actually I’m Cinderella, you’re a Fairy Godmother and you’re sending me to the Rush concert

PAUL - Yes, that one

MATT - It’s still no use for I have nothing at all to wear

PAUL - Nonsense, for I bring the latest in Rush merchandise, here, look

MATT - Actually it’s Pods best white T-shirt with a shit Star of David scribbled on the front, but I suppose it will suffice, however tis the eve of Christmas, there is less than an hour to the gig, all the trains have stopped and there is no possible way of getting there

PAUL - You’re obviously not listening Matt, I am a fucking Genie

MATT - No you’re not and I am Cinderella

PAUL - Yes I know, where is Buttons

Enter Chris stage right

CHRIS - Here I am

PAUL - Eyup Chris

CHRIS - Buttons

PAUL - Where

CHRIS - Me

PAUL - OK, bring me a tin of pumpkin soup from yonder pantry and lay it down before me on the table

CHRIS - There you go

PAUL - Now bring me four plastic rodents from Pods Mouse Trap game and lay them aside the pumpkin soup

CHRIS - Sorted

Amid a flash of blinding light, Paul brings down his makeshift wand upon the table with considerable force

PAUL - Behold, your magnificent carriage and four white stallions await you

MATT - Actually it’s still a tin of soup and you’ve knocked the mice on the floor

PAUL - I’ll phone Micks Mini Cabs

MATT - Good idea, but it’s still no good, for my hair is displaying a slight curl towards the bottom right and there really is no way I could be seen out like this

PAUL - No bother Matthew my son I’ve got your curling tongs right here

AUDIENCE (To the tune of here we go, here we go, here we go)

CURLING TONGS CURLING TONGS CURLING TONGS, CURLING TONGS CURLING TONGS CURLING TONGS, CURLING TONGS CURLING TONGS CURLING TONGS, CURLING TONGS, CURLING TONGS

MATT - Alright we fucking get it, actually I am Cinderella and they are Hair Straighteners but thanks anyway, right that’s it, I’m all set

PAUL - I must warn you in advance though Matty lad

MATT - Buttons, er Cinderella

PAUL - Whatever, at the first stroke of midnight this breathtaking carriage and these magnificent horses will return to their original form and once again become mere tinned soup and plastic mice

MATT - Right, thanks for warning me, definitely wont be risking that one then, anyway taxis here, thanks for everything, night

PAUL - One more thing, at the last stroke of midnight, your hair may incur a slight wave just below the left ear

MATT - Fucking bastard bollocks

PAUL - This fucking wand smells funny

END OF ACT 1

INTERMISSION

ACT 2

SCENE 1

WITHIN THE DRESSING ROOM AT THE HALLAM FM ARENA, THE THREE MEMBERS OF RUSH ARE PREPARING TO GO ONSTAGE WHILST POD AND DEAN, HAVING ACQUIRED THEIR BACKSTAGE PASSES ARE FLIRTING OUTRAGEOUSLY WITH THEM, WELL POD ANYWAY, DEAN IS JUST WAVING HIS ARMS AROUND A BIT AND LOOKING SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSED

POD - Well then Geddy, is there a chance of getting ‘Something for Nothing’ or is it likely to end in ‘Tears’

GEDDY - Not straight before a gig darling but meet me here afterwards and you may both be ‘On the Train to Bang Cock’

AUDIENCE - GEDDEE! GEDDEE! GEDDEE!

ALEX - You’re after playing cheeky again aren’t you Geddy, tell me if she’s staying in the hotel with you and I’ll turn the telly up if you’re going to do funny loud noises and argue about money

DEAN - I feel fucking stupid

NEIL (falling off a chair and wrestling with a packet of Rizlas) - One day I feel I’m on top of the world and the next it’s falling in on me

Enter Craig stage right and back, out of sight of the others

CRAIG - I’ve rewired the P.A so that it will never work, there will be no gig here tonight, wha ha ha wha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa.

AUDIENCE - HE’S BEHIND YOU, KILL THE BASTARD.

YOU’RE GOING HOME IN A FUCKING AMBULANCE

Enter Craig into stage centre

ALEX - Hello Evil Tour Manager

GEDDY - We about ready then

NEIL - Pariah dogs and wandering madmen, barking at strangers and speaking in tongues

CRAIG - Unfortunately there is a slight problem, well when I say slight I mean P.A fucked and can’t play tonight type problem

AUDIENCE - BOTTLE THE COCKSUCKER

POD - I am familiar with matters of public address, please allow me to take a look before making any hasty decision

Pod leaves stage right

CRAIG - I am afraid there will be little she can do, one of the road crew seems to have a personal grudge and has taken it upon himself to sabotage the wiring before leaving

Pod enters again

POD - He’s right it’s fucked, er I mean there appears to be dastardly deeds afoot

ALEX - Does this mean no one will see my new shirt, I wouldn’t have put it on if I’d known

GEDDY - Somebody’s in for some serious fucking pain when I find out who’s done this, who’s going to tell the audience

Enter Matt stage left looking so stunningly beautiful even his own sisters don’t recognise him

MATT - Don’t tell the audience anything yet

AUDIENCE - MATT, MATT HE’S A, ER WE MEAN HOOOOOORAAAYY

GEDDY - Who the fuck are you

ALEX - You look very nice

NEIL - Grim faced and forbidding their faces closed tight, an angular mass of new Yorkers

MATT - I’ll explain later, get ready to go on

GEDDY - But the P.A

MATT - It’s sorted, someone had unplugged the crossovers and set the noise gates too high, everything was just feeding back, I’ve rewired and fed everything back through the multicore, it sounds shit hot out there now, I’ll stay back here and do the monitors, let me know if you need anything adjusting, someone’s nicked the intro tape but Buttons is getting the audience to do the three stooges, they’re almost at the end, go now

GEDDY - However can we thank you, beautiful boy/girl type thing, what is your name

MATT - Later, just go, now

Curtain down - End of act 2

ACT 3

IS TAKEN UP ENTIRELY BY A STUNNING TWO HOUR SET BY RUSH IN WHICH THEY PLAY ALL THE OLD FAVOURITES, PERMANENT WAVES IN IT’S ENTIRETY, THE TWO GOOD ONES OFF SNAKES AND ARROWS AND NOTHING FROM VAPOUR TRAILS

ACT 4

SCENE 1

BACK IN THE DRESSING ROOM AFTER THE GIG

GEDDY - I just don’t understand, all the roadies are still here, who could have done that to the P.A

AUDIENCE - IT WAS EVIL TOUR MANAGER YOU STUPID BASTARD

Enter Matt to colossal applause and other whooping type noises that you only usually get on The David Letterman Show

MATT - Nice gig boys

GEDDY - All thanks to you my dear, we owe you a great debt of gratitude, now finally, tell me, what is your name

MATT - OK then, my name is……..

BONG !

MATT - Shit, the first chime of midnight

BONG !

MATT - Twatting piss

BONG !

MATT - I’m about to turn into Farah Fawcett fucking Majors

BONG !

MATT - Gotta go boys, nice meeting you, catch ya later

Matt exits stage left screaming, in the ensuing confusion no one notices the fact that the first chime had startled Neil so much that he fell off the chair again and in a bid to prevent him from seriously hurting himself, grabbed hold of Evil Tour Managers nose, ripping off his mask and revealing the true identity of the man who had been running Rush’s career for the past 25 years

GEDDY - Fuck me, it’s John Rutsey

CRAIG - Yes it is, ever since Permanent Waves I have been plotting your downfall, this year was to be my finest since I talked you into releasing Vapour Trails and I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that gorgeous boy/girl thing showing up like that

ALEX - I hate John Rutsey, put Evil Tour Managers face back on

GEDDY - Shit we’ve let the gorgeous boy/girl thing go, he would have made the ideal replacement for Evil Tour Manager

ALEX - Just put his face back on and let him keep being Evil Tour Manager, he always gives me sweets

GEDDY - We must find him, but how, we have no clue as to who he/she might be

ROADIE - He did drop these on the way out

ALEX - Hair straighteners, can I have a go

GEDDY - We must search the kingdom for the boy/girl thing whose hair is straighter than the straightest straight thing ever, just give me ten minutes to twist this bastards knackers off and I’ll be right with you. Search the kingdom

ROADIES - Search the kingdom

BUTTONS - Search the kingdom

AUDIENCE - SEARCH THE KINGDOM

ALEX - Search Swindon

NEIL - Wheels within wheel in a spiral array, a pattern so grand and complex

Curtain down

ACT 4

SCENE 2

BACK IN A ROOM AT BRAV MANSIONS

POD - I am so excited, the talk in the village is that Rush seek a new Tour Manager who shall be identified by means of a special test, I feel certain that it shall be me cos I’m absolutely ace

DEAN - Have we nearly fucking finished

A knock at the door

POD - That will be them now, Buttons show the roadie gentleman this way, I can’t wait for the test

DEAN - Come to think of it, I don’t seem to have had many lines, you wouldn’t have doctored the script at all to get as many as you could in would you Laurence bastard Olivier.

POD - Well, you wouldn’t have done it properly anyway, you haven’t even practiced properly

DEAN - You fucking have, no wonder we haven’t seen you for nearly a month you poncey twat

POD - Look we’ll do this later, and don’t forget I’ve come out of this one shirt and a mouse trap down, now get back in character,

CHRIS - This way gentlemen

POD - Me first, me first, quick do the test, I can’t wait any longer to start doing the itinerary for the next tour

ROADIE 1 - OK darling stick your head up against this ruler

POD - Is it me, is it me, it is, isn’t it?

ROADIE 2 - Well

ROADIE 1 - No, curlier than a lap dancers mott after three weeks in rollers and some electric shock treatment, shall we try the other one

ROADIE 2 - No point really, the fucking side burns and tash are a bit of a giveaway

ROADIE 1 - Fair point

DEAN - Don’t push it sunshine, I’m not in a good mood

ROADIE 1 - That just leaves the young one in the corner

POD - Oh that’s just Cinderella, no point in trying her, she’s just a stupid slave who knows nothing about the technicalities of aligning even a small 3k rig, without compressors, in fact without any of the ancillary equipment needed to keep up with the expectations of today’s audiences. I’ll show you out

ROADIE 1 - Sorry mate, rules is rules. We’ve got to try everybody. Come here sweetheart

ROADIE 2 - Any good

ROADIE 1 - Fuck me

ROADIE 2 - What

ROADIE 1 - Straighter than a Donkey on Viagra’s knob end, looks like we’ve got our man, woman, whatever the fuck it’s supposed to be, lads, found it

Enter Geddy, Alex and Neil stage left

GEDDY - It is you, we’ve searched high and low, look we need a tour manager, Rutsey’s gone to Poland to have his knackers stitched back on, we have this lucrative contract, all you need to do is sign and you can tour with us forever, by the way what is your name.

MATT - My name is Cinderella, give me the contract

GEDDY - Well there’s only one thing for it fellas, strap on the acoustics we’re going to do ‘Resist’

The entire cast take the stage. Geddy, Alex, Paul and Pod don acoustic guitars and launch into the aforementioned track, Chris and Craig play fight in the curtains, Neil lights a spliff and falls into the orchestra pit and Matt stands proudly at the front milking the applause for all he’s worth before being chased off stage by Dean brandishing cheeky Douggie’s anal intruder. The curtain falls and the audience spill out onto the street where several of them are arrested for a breach of the peace, using abusive language in front of minors and gross indecency.

Everyone lives happily ever after.

THE END